Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
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you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
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he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
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