So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize
