woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
he just fucked me for my cheese..
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
