I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
