I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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