Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
