i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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