dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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