im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
