i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
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i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
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how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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