i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
