I got chris browned last night
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
