The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
