Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Randomize
