I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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