she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
