I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
