i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
