New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
