Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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