We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
