And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
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After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
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What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
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