That's when you crack a 10am beer
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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