I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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