You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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