dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
