so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
