If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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