have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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