Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
