Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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