ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
