I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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