I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
