I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
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