There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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