I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
