I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
