last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
