You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
