Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I need help removing her.
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
