I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
