I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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