where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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