"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
