He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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