explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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