I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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