Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
