Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Randomize
