I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I wish there were birth control emojis
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
