There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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