dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Randomize
