we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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