My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
