My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
