I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
