we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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