i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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