billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
