I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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