Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
